Of Course my cooking post would start with a WARNING...

WARNING: This post is not nearly as hilarious as the I-Pad posts… start there!

I know, I know, I’ve been MIA. But I promise I have several good excuses I won’t post here… BUT….

I did do “Something New Saturday”! Yay Me! It was edible, too!! Pinterest has affected me big time! (I even tried to look up “Andy Griffith chili cook off booth”. Not that anything came up… but there is a chance for me to set a trend in the Pinterest world!)

Ingredients Mixed

I digress… SNS.

I made “Chicken Bundles”, because I’m a SUCKER for anything that includes cream cheese and crescent rolls. (Here is the link to the original recipe: http://www.quick-and-easy-dinner.com/chicken-bundles.html)

I didn’t follow the recipe exactly…

Ingredients for Chicken Bundles

4 oz. cream cheese, softened

1-13 oz. can chicken or equivalent cooked chicken (Fresh would have been so much better)

1 Tbs. sesame seeds

1/4 tsp. parsley

2 cans Pillsbury Crescent Rolls - leave in fridge until ready to use!

1 Tbs. finely chopped onion or dried minced onion (I used fresh)

**I added garlic powder, onion powder, and course sea salt.

Ingredients Ready to Roll! 

Steps:

Combine the above ingredients (minus the crescent rolls) and mix well.

Open one 8 count package crescent rolls. DO NOT divide into triangles. Keep every 2 triangles together, forming 4 rectangles.

Pinch the seams closed and pat each one out into a larger square. 

Put a spoonful of chicken/cream cheese mixture into the center of each square. Fold the corners up into the center, layering like flower petals so the roll is sealed. (Don't stress too much on the technique, fold them up press seams together to make a bundle.)

Am I doing this right??

Repeat with all 8 rectangles. You're going to worry that you're doing this wrong, but you're not, just do it, I promise they'll taste delicious.

Place on a lightly greased cookie sheet and bake at 375 degrees until golden brown, about 15-20 minutes.

Don’t you LOVE it when a recipe says, “you are going to worry that you’re doing this wrong, but you’re not”??  I am the WORSE cook! And by that I mean, every time I cook, I stress myself out over if it will turn out or not. And I do it to the point that I make myself sick… and can’t eat.

Ready for the Oven

This recipe turned out great! It would have been better with fresh chicken or maybe even leftover rotisserie chicken. I am even inspired to do a breakfast version with cheese and sausage, YUM.

Fini!

So THERE… Jeni. I not only picked up the “SNS” challenge gauntlet, but I threw it all the way back to California!! 

**pish pish pish**

B*tch "Found" My iPad...(part two)

Greetings Friends!

If you are just joining me for the conclusion of this tale, you can find the first part here...

B*tch "Found" My iPad... (part one)

As for the rest of you that have been waiting patiently - here we go.  Let's wrap up all the lose ends and let the outrage pour out of my soul into yours.  Sit back and get comfy because this is a long one but worth the read.

Now when we left off, I mentioned that "Cindy Ortiz" (thats right B*tch I'm using your REAL MF name so if you stumble upon this HA! HA! HA! - be glad I don't post your damned email address).  At any rate, she emailed me to inform me that her sister had not stolen my iPad.  Oh no!  She "found" it.  I guess she was just keeping it safe for me... and you know... decided I didn't need to keep any of my appointments or associate with any of the people in my address book (you people are nothing but trouble anyway... yeah... I'm talking about you... yeah you).  Oh Cindy!  Ever the good Samaritan! 
So, as I mentioned in my closing, I wrote her back.  *DISCLAIMER*  My hubby was pretty outraged that I insisted on "stirring the pot" and was pretty irritated that I wrote back.  My response to him was - SHE STOLE MY FRICKEN iPAD!

Hi Cristina, 

I appreciate you contacting me on behalf of your sister.  I would not dream of causing any drama.  I understand that when it comes to children they can be incredibly impressionable.  I see no reason why this even has to be a big ordeal after my property is returned and it will be forgotten about as soon as this is over.  This even did not involve our children and I would not dream of making it difficult for anyone - especially a little one.  I am glad that it has been "found" and I am so glad you contacted Neisha's to turn it in.  Any of the calendar and contact entries your sister made will be deleted as soon as I have it.  

Thank you so very much and I appreciate your honesty.  

Jennifer Mueller

 Now, I am going to take a moment to explain that I do not believe in punishing children for the mistakes that adults make.   I had my fun.  I was going to revel in my success.  I was going to wallow in it.  I was going to be gluttonous in my victory!  A smile was on my face as I hit send...

And then the next day...

Hi Jennifer.. Just wanted to let you know I just turned in your IPAD at school and once again I apologize for the inconvinience..

So the Hubby went to pick it up because I was stuck in traffic and I really REALLY wanted it in hand.  When I came home, he told me that "the husband" was OUTRAGED because I made accusatory and threatening remarks.  Dear friends, I have given an accurate account of my remarks... were any of them threatening?  And as for accusatory... I simply logged onto MY computer and made "an entry of opinion" on MY calendar.  IF YOU WEREN'T USING IT TO BEGIN WITH YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SEEN MY REMARKS!  That's right I'm CAPSLOCKING at YOU CINDY and HUSBAND ORTIZ!  *Deep breath*  So there was a HUGE fiasco when I called the dance academy to find out just WHAT was going on.  Hubs wanted me to remove Bug - which was unfair because she really enjoyed her teacher and the class and the other girls in there.  And - here is where the outrage really came in - when I told the manager that my husband wanted me to pull Bug because of this she said that if that was what we had to do, then we had to do it.  My device was taken from this "reputable establishment" and I opted to hold off on filing a police report because of my faith in said "reputable establishment" and this is what I get??  Well clearly these people don't know me well enough because I was NOT about to give them that satisfaction!  Although it was a very hard decision, I'm going to be honest.  It was humiliating.  For my daughter I swallowed my pride.  Oh - did I mention that the woman that "found" my iPad was going to be a "chaperone" at their dance recital?  I'm still debating as to whether or not THAT little tid bit needs to be leaked to the other parents...  I digress...

My Hideous Family

My sweet, innocent iPad was back in my hands... well actually Bug's hands.  I didn't get it until after she went to sleep - BUT I got it!  The first thing I wanted to do was make it mine again.  Sister Ortiz took the liberty of telling me I had a hideous family that shouldn't be used as wallpaper for my iPad by removing it and replacing it with some piss poor image of a flower.  Always looking out for the other guy, eh Sister?  So I set off to find the pictures I had saved and reset my wallpaper.  Well, apparently, not only did Sister Ortiz think my family was hideous and not fit for public consumption... she thought my photography skills were lacking as well.  So, in order to save me from myself - after all, she was simply holding it until she could remember where she found it at and return it to the rightful owner - she took it upon herself to delete every single picture from every photo album on my iPad.  However, Sister Ortiz is uneducated in the technology of Apple.  She obviously did not deserve an iPad and if she has an iPhone it needs to be taken from her immediately before she hurts herself with it.  Give her one of those Zach Morris cell phones because it is all that she deserves.

A few months ago Steve Jobs (RIP) announced some wonderful changes to the way we share information.  He called it iCloud.  If you are interested in it, read more here What is iCloud?  But more importantly he introduced a feature called Photo Stream. 

With Photo Stream, you can take a photo on one iOS device and it automatically appears on all your other devices, including your Mac or PC. Import new pictures to your computer from a digital camera, and iCloud sends copies over Wi-Fi to your iPhone, iPad, and iPod touch. You can even view recent photos on your big-screen TV via Apple TV. There’s no syncing, no email attachments, no file transfers. Your pictures are just there — on whichever device you happen to have handy.

 Naturally, I went there to find some of my pictures so I could put them on my wallpaper.  I rarely used it but I was thankful that I had it because it made things so much simpler.  But wait... what.is.this???

This cat clearly needs to smile in order to be seen in the dark...Just sayin

Buh-lieve it.  These are only a FEW of the pictures that I have chosen to share with you (and yes.. I circled out the faces of the kiddies because they are not the perpetrators here - they are just enjoying the new iPad that Sister Ortiz "found" but is clearly going to return - right after she deletes all my photos, contacts, and calendar entries and then inputs her own schedule).  They took my iPad on a nice little field trip to Disney on Ice... and played with my photobooth app... then they went to a birthday party (I know it was a birthday party because I saw it on my calendar - Aliyah's birthday party to be specific)...But clearly they were going to return the iPad that they "found", right?


So here are a few for your viewing pleasure. 

Someone that "finds" something with the intent of returning it does NOT utilize it to the fullest of its capabilities prior to returning it!  And do you have any idea how ridiculous you looked taking pictures with an ipad anyway?

The irony is that the same time that she was taking pictures of herself and her "nieces" I was taking ans sharing my own pictures.  So naturally they would be reflected in the photo stream on the "found" iPad...


               Pictures like this...  

First of all, don't you dare sit there and judge me...  That stuff is funny I don't care who you are!

 And this...

And also pictures like this.... 

Kind of hard to explain, as a Latina, how all these pictures of cracker-white people keep popping up... especially if you don't want to keep explaining how you "found" an iPad. 

It gets better.  This woman - this ignorant, obviously uneducated, technological moron of a woman - had been reading my facebook account, emails, iMessages and looked through my photos.  I had been cyber raped and it didn't feel good.  At any point this woman could have contacted me and informed me that she had found my property, but she did not - which is why I am posting this.  She went through my life a sick voyeur - I'm sure Sister Ortiz will have to break out the dictionary for that one.  Now, with that point being made - the only time I was contacted was to inform me that my iPad had not, as I thought, been stolen, but merely "found".

MORALS OF THE STORY - first...  Keep your stuff password protected.  You never know who will access your life. 

Second - IF YOU TAKE MY SH*T  I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU! 

And in case you are wondering, I have already installed a program on my MacBook that will track anyone down that takes it and publishes their pictures on the internet.  It also tracks how far away they are from a wifi connection.  Protect your Mac!  Since my iPhone was stolen, then my iPad... I figure it is only a matter of time...

how do you like me now?

B*tch "Found" My iPad...(part one)

SOoooo... last year after I had Baby Bear my dear hubby decided to take my to The Cheesecake Factory a restaurant in our neighborhood for a delightfully good dinner.  And it was.  Until I found out that my phone had been stolen... This is not that story, but for about twenty-four hours my life was in shambles.  Thanks to Find My iPhone and Google Maps and the FABULOUS Chula Vista Police Department I was able to recover it in tact.  And, as I said, within twenty-four hours.

Fast-forward to about a month ago... my iPad got left behind in the restroom of my daughter's dance studio.  It was complete chaos.  As soon as we arrived Bug was freaking out because she had to go to the bathroom.  G-Ma grabbed the diaper bag, the iPad and Bug and rushed inside leaving me to get Baby Bear and the Superhero.  We were pretty close to being late so it was a sigh of relief when we made it on time.  The iPad was an afterthought.  We left the studio and as soon as we got home I reached for my "Giant Phone" as the Superhero calls it.  It didn't make it back with us.  I calmly and casually grabbed my phone and pulled up my app.  DISASTER!  I had wifi only!  I could only track it if it were connected to the internet!!!  (Later I would find out that someone picked it up and immediately disabled the Find My iPad App so it wouldn't have made a difference anyway.)  Just like that *poof* my iPad was gone.  I was bummed... I called the studio to see if someone had turned it in, but alas, it was not to be.  The Hubby and I went to look for it and they said they would call us if it were found.  I was also told not to worry.  "We have never had this problem before, and if someone took it, their parents will find it and make them bring it back."  So, I was patient.  A week went by and dance night came again.  I asked the front desk if there was any word.  "Not yet."  "We haven't heard anything."  Another week went by... and then another.  It was gone.  They had foiled me.  They worked around the security features.  I was never to see it again...

On Saturday, after a Children's party I discovered that my phone was glitching.  My contacts weren't showing as names - they were showing as phone numbers.  How bizarre.  Since I had iCloud, I thought that the error was there.  I turned off my phone and turned it back on hoping to get my information back.  ALAS, it was not to be.  There were all kinds of weird numbers listed.  Kaycee, Danisha, Grandma, Dad...  WHAT is going on??  I wondered in frustration... and then it occured to me... whoever had my iPad did not restore it.  It wasn't gone.  They were using my iCloud function... AND ALL MY CONTACTS WERE DELETED!!!

 I rushed to the Apple store where the rep discovered that in addition to changing my contacts, my calendar had been edited...  I had the culprits dance class schedule, birth dates (that day in particular she went to a birthday party), children names and days off.  My brain almost exploded out of my head.  I immediately filed a police report and submitted my serial number (straight off the box) and explained why I had waited.  I also told the officer I wanted to speak with the dance studio prior to just letting the police run wild with the information.  Children were involved and I didn't want anyone to be embarrassed in front of their children.  After all, the child didn't do anything wrong.  The Studio was kind enough to cross reference the information I had and figure out which family had possession of my device.  They did not give me names, phone numbers or ANY personal information - not that it mattered... I had quite a bit anyway.  They said they would make ONE call and see how it went.  That was all.  It was fine with me.  The call was made.  The culprit admitted to having "found" the device and agreed to bring it back.

So... yes... I decided to "stir the pot" as the hubby called it...  I took out my MacBook and opened my calendar...

Just going to make a calendar entry for today... to start in about oh ten minutes... "Clean Out Incriminating Evidence From Stolen iPad"... set reminder... and DONE!  OH!  One more!!!  "Don't forget to clean out the contacts as well.  Thanks!!"... set reminder.  NOW done.

If you are unfamiliar with what I did at that moment... I set an event on my calendar that would pop up on ALL of my iDevices... MacBook, iPhone and, you guessed it, iPad...  

Hubby yells at me and tells me to quit because we don't have the item in hand yet.  However, in my mind, and after speaking with the police, we have enough evidence to locate them and even if they don't have the item, they will have to go before a judge.  In my mind the item is already gone so it won't really bother me if it isn't returned, but how could I POSSIBLY pass up the opportunity to torture someone.  I KNEW it wasn't theirs... THEY knew it wasn't theirs... why not let them know that I knew they knew and were using it anyway... 

Later... I received an email from one Cindy Ortiz...

 Hello my name is Cristina, I would like to start by telling you that my sister was the one that found your IPAD a day that she took my daughter to class, she did not steal it from you. Besides I was not aware she had found it at school until I received a call from school. The IPAD will be returned to school on Monday, I don't want any problems or drama because my daughter is going to continue attending that school. I apologize for any inconvinience..

 copy and pasted for your reading pleasure

And OF COURSE I replied... come on... who do you think I am...

To Be Continued...

This is Harder than it Looks

Sooooooo.... about two months ago I had a conversation with Manda that went something like this (in my head)-


Me:  Amanda, we simply MUST do a blog together.  We are such talented writers with amazing storytelling abilities and our humor is outstanding to say the least.

Amanda:  I concur completely but I do not think I will have the time.  My schedule is pretty full, what with being incredibly good looking and intelligent and all.

 Me:  We are so truly talented we would only have to really publish something on occasion.  People will practically flood our blog pining for our knowledge and advice.

Amanda:  We simply cannot take time away from being fabulous.

Me:  You are probably right. 

A weeks later...

Amanda:  I have just had the most dreadful experience at this restaurant establishment.  It has really hampered my ability to function as a fabulous person and so now I think I may have time to do a blog with you.

Me:  Excellent!  We shall start immediately!! 

(closer to the actual conversation)

 Me:  MANDA!  We should totally do a blog together.  It would be awesome!

Manda:  I don't know.

Me:  Come on!  It will be fun!  We'll do a post like once a week or something...

Manda:  I don't know.

A few weeks later: 

Amanda:  (what I heard/remember) You are not going to believe.... Waffle House.... Egg White Omelet....  DO A BLOG!!!!

Me:  DONE!

So now two months later...  We only have a few posts, a challenge that I haven't even posted about (although I have done but didn't take pictures - and who likes to read blogs with no pictures???), and gaping holes in our once a week schedule.  BUT I am re-dedicated!  Hopefully you are still there or at least right around the corner...

God is Old School

Actual chat/conversation between Jeni and I:

AMANDA, EAT ME!!

Me: God help me… these Peanut Butter M&Ms are calling my name

Jeni: IF YOU EAT M&M's I'm gonna get a twix…So DON'T DO IT!

Me: *hangs head* too late.

Jeni: YES!... I mean… WHY GOD!... WHY DO I HAVE TO ENDURE THE SWEET CHOCOLATE AND CARAMEL GOODNESS?!!! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME!???

Me: Because he loves our thighs.

Jeni: hell YEAH! God is old school!  “I like BIG BUTTS and cannot lie.”

While I am sure that conversation is blasphemous in some twisted way… I had to laugh. “God is Old School.”  So much for Transcontinental Accountability Partners… cause we totally just partnered ourselves into cheating on our diets.

DINING ROOM: BEFORE

Meanwhile, HimSelph is working hard on doing a little refreshing on a house we are moving into soon… and I have to brag. He is an awesome painter. (Wonder if I can get him to paint the other rooms in the house??) The dining room of the house we are moving into had some pepto-pink-on-pink-with-flowers wallpaper, which I promptly begged the Landlord to let us take down and paint. After a slight hesitation, he consented and now, the dining and kitchen areas are a nice muted yellow. J (Pardon the blurry pictures. And I will post a final picture once I get one taken.) Next up, removing some vomit-inducing-pink-bathroom-countertops…

DINING ROOM: DURING

In all this house stuff, I realize that I am so addicted to decorating. I might even be addicted to change… is that possible? I am working on some custom art for the Master Bedroom and might even be able to wheedle a paint job out of HimSelph… what do you think?